I have to write this today. And just let the words flow out, yo!
Not to sound like a broken record here, but last year around this time now I was an emotional mess. I had a hard exterior and everything in my life put together but inside I was sad, sad, sad and frustrated more than ever. Did I mention sad? One day I’ll share more on why I felt this way but for now it’s not important. What’s important is what I am about to tell you below. Forgive me for so many words but I’m a big advocate for making decisions in life that are in line with living your best life. I didn’t always think this way but I do now and it’s a good thing. I’m a super sensitive, wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve kind of girl and can easily get upset over something insignificant or temporary so I’m often thinking of ways to maintain my positivity and focus on the good. Sometimes, that doesn’t always happen. Sometimes life sucks and you have to kick yourself in the ass to regroup. Here’s what I think and wanted to share.
Define What Matters. You know what matters to me right now? My husband matters. Our marriage really matters. The third year of marriage is the hardest. I know this because that’s where we are right now in our journey together. Marriage is like the female body in a sense. Yeah it sounds wacko but stick with me here. In high school some girls have these rocking bodies and a metabolism that can process McDonalds and late night pizza runs like a boss (I wasn’t one of those girls FYI). We buy teen mags with airbrushed women posing provocatively on the front and constantly feel like our worth is determined by how we too look; in real un-airbrushed life that is. Then we get a bit older and life catches up with us. Our hard as hell work outs don’t seem to do much. We think man I had it GOOD in high school and didn’t even have to walk a mile before dropping five pounds. As time goes on you realize you can’t just sit around and expect to feel or look good. You have to WORK at it. Marriage is like that to me. You want to reap the benefits of a healthy and loving marriage? You have to WORK. And the work is so so worth it as I’ve learned in the past month. Do. Work.
My family matters. My future family and whether or not it involves babies matters. My job and my business and my clients matter. My home and how it feels and looks matter. Yup how it looks matters to me. This doesn’t mean it’s perfect. It doesn’t mean we have the nicest or most expensive things. It just means it’s where I am the most physically, as a working-from-home-professional and self-proclaimed home-body, and if I’m going to live here and make memories here, I want it to be in a way that makes me happy. My health, our crazy pets, our well-being, our space, our free time, all of these things matter. My close friends, the ones who call to check on me, who listen to me on the phone, who send sweet notes and give me love love love, these people matter. Everything else? Does not matter. Not important.
You Are Enough. Why do we tell ourselves we’re not enough? Why do we let others make us feel like we aren’t enough? This sweet thing wrote a post on instagram yesterday that reminded me of the post I wrote over here. I’m ALWAYS feeling like I’m not enough guys. Maybe I don’t share it publicly but it happens often especially as of late. I’m not skinny enough, pretty enough, rich enough, successful enough, my two college degrees are somewhere out there (seriously, I don’t even have them framed and couldn’t tell you where they are right now. I’m embarrassed) and not doing much for me, I’m not saving lives, I’m not making serious bank, I’m shopping at Hobby Lobby during my business hours looking for the perfect shade of soft ble ribbon for a ceiling treatment. What? I can’t cook a carrot cake from scratch, I can’t wake up at 5:30 am to go to the gym like some women do. I can’t stay up past 11:00 pm because I get sleepy like a baby. I can’t remember my times tables past the 5’s. I can not run a mile if I tried. I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t. I’m sick of it.
Because I am. I am more than enough. I am a good wife. I am a good fur baby mom. I’m not a real human mom (ha that sounds funny doesn’t it?) because right now wouldn’t be a fair time to bring a life into this world and I think that means I’m enough in and of itself. That’s a decision Andrew and I have made together as a team, and that’s enough too. I’m not saving lives but instead I’m enriching them. And helping people make beautiful and special memories. I’m not rich but I’m fulfilled. I’m so creative and have so much to give it hurts sometimes. That’s plenty. And those Hobby Lobby trips, as trivial as they feel, are what I’m paid to do. So I should embrace it and know that I am enough. Enough already with not feeling like we’re enough as women, business owners, moms, wives, teachers, people, friends, whatever. We are all enough. More than enough most days. We need to start believing it and telling others to know and believe it too.
Define Your Own Version of Success. I was on the phone with my sweet friend Leah this morning for almost an hour. God I love that girl and am so thankful our paths crossed early last year because she’s become a true friend and such a bright spot in my life. Leah is a perfect example of focusing on what matters. She inspires me DAILY to just let go. New followers? More weddings? More overtime in the office? More superficial being? Hell no. Ain’t nobody got time for that. We talked today and I told her the only thing holding me back these days is MYSELF. Because I have this stupid crazy hard time defining my version of success sometimes. Success so often is what everyone else makes it out to be. Success to some is more followers, more features, 25 weddings a year, more comments on a post, more money, more friends, more more more. I’m sick of that too. Because more is further away from enough and the only way you’re going to live a fulfilled, happy and menaingful life is to define your own version of success. Write it down. Memorize it.
With that being said I’m off tonight to the airport with my husband. We are meeting my parents, my brother, and an old neighbor friend of ours, in sunny, beautiful, Jamaica. I had to write this post before I left because the jumble of words above has been heavy on my heart. I hope whoever you are, wherever you are, whatever you do or are planning to do, that you know you’re enough. The photo above was taken in Chicago by my sweet friend Shalyn. Who just announced her business’ new name. Hooray! Head over to her blog to check it out. Enjoy your day and I’ll be back next week xoxo