Lachlan Rue + Everett Drew

An Unconditional LoveJanuary 18, 2021

I’ve been having a hard time articulating my journey of parenting. Until last tonight, after I wiped mascara from my eyes post-prayers with my almost-five-year-old, and it was so clear because I physically felt it in my gut (like I do most things I care so deeply about).

It’s all so wonderfully gut-wrenching. Painfully delightful.

I won’t say time flies by it’s just that I know it certainly doesn’t stand still. And with the passing of time comes inevitable change and with change comes the uncomfortable acceptance that this earth-side journey is fleeting. Even though we promise forevers, we know they cannot possibly exist. Maybe that balances out the pain with the delight. The bitter with the sweet.

I look at time as before-Lachlan and after.

Not in a spiritual awakening kind of way but that life was simply one way before and a different way after.

I’ll never forget the memory of him swaddled up into a tight little (big? #8daysoverdue) newborn bundle, placed close to my swollen cheek as they rolled me out of the OR into recovery on January 18th. It was 2:00 am in the middle of a Midwest snowstorm after an emergency Caesarean. I asked God for a baby and told him any month except January would be a nice time to welcome one. Despite circumstances through his 24 hour birth, the moment where we thought maybe we wouldn’t get a baby and I begged for one on literal hands and knees, I felt complete bliss rolling down Spectrum’s halls with my boy. I thought to myself, ‘it begins now’ and of course like any parent now in hindsight, I could have never prepared for WHAT exactly was beginning.

Last night I mentioned Lachlan’s then-littleness to him, and it just felt so emotional as five years of memories rolled through my head.

Because he’s still little but the littleness keeps feeling less little.

Aside from the reality that I am not raising my kids alone, motherhood has greatly and forever changed my life. I suppose many mothers would share this sentiment. In all good ways, hard things considered I’m different, better, because of my kids and who they are. I make mistakes, I don’t always have answers for the questions I’m asked, sometimes my patience runs low. I am not the perfect mother.

But I’m the perfect mama for my kids.

Lachlan can’t read yet but one day soon he will. And maybe one day soon after that he’ll find this post and read it, along with the hundreds of others I’ve amassed in both my years before him and after. In my tearful prayers last night, interrupted many times with water requests (Lachlan), desperate negotiations to sleep in our bed (Lachlan), and the little feeling that creeps up where I think my kids’s behavior is a reflection on me, something I’m not doing well enough (me), my almost five-year-old asked me what was wrong. I told him as simply as I could that he’s the best thing I’ve ever done and I hope he always knows how much he means to me. And then he simply put his left hand in my right one, and his right hand in my left while I savored the sweetness.

Lachlan, you’re loved unconditionally. You’re curious, lovely, smart, creative, and kind. You make our lives brighter, fuller, sweeter. I pray you feel and know this every day of your life, and I promise to tell you always. Happy 5th birthday, bubba. Let’s build LEGOS.

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