My 2019 was supposed to be the year of peace but I’ve found most of the last 10 months have been spent feeling uncomfortable, challenged, and often at a crossroads where I’m pushed to be complacent or bold. Further, what I’ve uncovered is that part of the discomfort I’ve been experiencing, part of the vulnerability that seems to permeate my day to day recently, has to do with my constant choice to always, always be brave.
Brave isn’t a feeling though. It’s not an emotion or something that simply comes over you. It’s instead a choice, a decision to let go or, on the contrary, be all in.
Some ways I’ve been brave this year include:
Telling a close friend how I felt in an escalating situation instead of letting it fester in my heart. This required a phone call and while uncomfortable, resulted in a closer relationship with a deeper level of trust and love.
Making a hard career decision that I know my heart and family deserves in this season, even though my ego is stomping her feet and wailing the entire time. I’ve been required to be brave professionally and to stand up for myself and my boundaries. Sharing this with the world soon will require more bravery.
Deciding to carve out one to two hours a week for counselling. One hour dedicated to myself and my own mental health and a second for time with my husband to pour back into our marriage. The brave part here isn’t me going to sessions but freely talking about them with others like I am now.
Taking a good look at our physical belongings and deciding to let them go to new homes. Not because we don’t like the things we have but because we don’t love many, and many there are. It’s in this process of purging I’ve uncovered yucky feelings of guilt that I (we) have accumulated so much over the years in an effort to fill a void (or so I assume this is the reason this has all happened and many tangible goods have found their way into our possession). I’ve been brave to make a big effort to pare back and live with less. And to be comfortable with the idea of my treasured things belonging to others, an unusual territorial fear I apparently have.
Starting another candida cleanse to clear my gut and my mind. But I’m being brave by sharing here that about three weeks in I decided to take a break from such a restricted way of eating because it was just too hard this time around. I love the intense energy levels and clarity that such restricted eating brings me but more so I loved how much weight I lost and how I looked last time I did the cleanse; and that alone isn’t a reason to commit to such a lifestyle. I’m being brave by believing that me, right now, as is, is enough.
Building new relationships and cultivating existing ones even though it’s taken a lot of vulnerability and planning to do so. Things like play dates with new mom friends and their kids, starting a book club hosted in my home, and even going to lunch with my father in law just for fun, have all been thanks to my bravery.
Admitting my weaknesses. I am too hard on myself. I often feel like I am not enough. I easily fall into the comparison trap. But also celebrating my strengths and gifts. I’m passionate and loyal. I’m a really good mother. I give 100%. I’m reliable. And pretty funny too.
Trying new things that are complete deviations from how I normally roll. This includes new floral designing strategies and approaches, joining a small group at church, throwing out family traditions that weren’t working for us anymore, and making so.much.soap. A lot of days I feel like I’m a circus performer making sure all the things get done well, but I also want to make sure I’m enjoying myself because while a circus performer ends up going home at the end of the show, for me, this is my life. This quite literal act of balancing is all me being BRAVE.
And I get six more weeks in 2019 to be just that.
What brave thing have you done recently?
Xo
Comments
This reminds me of something carver said to me the other day that stuck with me.. “I am smart, I am strong, I am BRAVE”
You ARE all of the above + so much more & I’m the luckiest to call you my friend. Cheers to the year ahead being one of change, growth and complete contentment 💗 love you!!!
Thank you for being brave and sharing such vulnerable thoughts. Perhaps by being brave all year long, you have ultimately achieved your “year of peace” because you can be at peace with yourself knowing that you fought for what matters all year long, even when it was hard. That is just so, so magical. Congratulations and great job! You’re doing it! :)
And “telling a close friend how I felt in an escalating situation” sounds super scary. I am so glad that you shared how 1) you were honest and 2) it was for the betterment of the relationship.
I love these reflections SO MUCH – thank you for sharing! You are incredibly brave, and I’m lucky to know you!
Oh my heart. I’m tearing up reading this. I’m in the midst of all these feelings and reading this has given me strength to forge on with what I’m doing. Thank you so much for sharing with us and bearing your vulnerability. Gab x
Rhi, this post is beautiful. As I start my recap of 2019 one highlight was definitely meeting you. Your honesty, transparency and devotion to all things ACTUALLY important were a gift and an inspiration.
Brave for me included getting really real in our finances and where we can improve. It’s not been fun, but it has made things infinitely lighter feeling. Not squeezing to keep up with perceptions or comparison. Accepting a few relationships were for a season (and putting up boundaries to prevent further hurt). That I may have to face my own transition in 2020. Can messy be a season??? Because I feel like that’s the best description for my life right now. Lots of love and will you wherever you go (or post in this case).
xo
Andrea